The XCOM Diaries

I kept a diary of my exploits during the first run of XCOM. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Week 1:

I’ve been appointed leader of the XCOM initiative. Huzzah! I am the Grand High Poobah of Eradicating the Alien Menace.

Central Officer Bradford doesn’t like me wandering around the base. He says it’s too distracting for the troops, so mostly I talk to him and keep track of the base through this “ant farm” monitor. It’s pretty swish. Even though it’s more a simulation than a proper set of cameras, I can still see all the troops and zoom in on what they’re doing. I made all the recruits black just to see if their avatars are reflected in my model of the base. They are.

We encountered some aliens. Horrible bug-headed things. Their pistols pack a punch but since the fools don’t wear armour, they’re no match for our superior rifles. We hauled their bodies and broken weapons back to Vahler for study.

Week 2:

I felt bad and slightly racist about sending only black people out to die so I’ve lifted the decree and allowed my soldiers to be loud and proud of who they really are.

We met some different aliens – tall skinny lads with ridiculously bendy spines. Still no armour so we hauled their broken bodies home too. It’ll all be over by Christmas.

Vahler’s team have come up with a new type of protective vest. It’s great but they forgot to include pockets so you can either have protection or carry a frag grenade. Nice one, lab geeks. I know which one I’d rather have.

Week 3:

I’ve decided that once rookies are blooded and specialised, they’re allowed to dye their hair. My inaugural squadron celebrated by going neon purple.

Vahler wants us capture a live alien. Is she insane?

Week 4:

For a group funded by 16 nations, we’re amazingly poor. They expect us to save the world on §250 per month? I probably should have built a few satellites to bring in more cash. They won’t actually do much good but nations love that shit.

On the last mission we found a sectoid (we’re calling the bug-heads sectoids now) hiding behind a truck and popped it with Vahler’s new stun gun thing. Hopefully she’ll stop whining about us destroying the bodies and kit with explosives now.

Where the hell is Vahler from, anyway? Is she German? Swiss? I have no idea.

Week 5:

Our first council report. We’ve exceeded their expectations! They gave us a grade A. Bunch of pricks. Who do they think they are? We’re out there trying to save the world and they’re giving out report cards?

At least we got some extra lab and engineering staff. And most importantly, some money.

Dr Shen has started pontificating on the nature of alien species. He’s muttering about generals and alien power and “twisted talks of flesh and metal”. Gives me the willies every time I visit Engineering. I just wanted to see how the new armour was coming along.

Week 6:

It’s amazing how quickly I’ve started thinking of the rookies as cannon fodder. Those Thin Men are a mean shot. I mean, sure, it’s sad when our guys die but y’know… better to send the rookies out to scout than to lose an experienced field medic like Captain Anderson.

Vahler made us a big new gun. Can’t wait to try it out on those monsters.

Sightings are coming in from all over the globe now. Australia and Mexico are in a panic but I have no idea what’s happening in their parts of the world. Might have to sell some corpses and alien whatsits on the gray market so we can afford a new satellite uplink. God, I hope they don’t fall into the wrong hands.

Week 7:

Uh… I should probably be giving the rookies some nanovests. This is getting ridiculous.

Week 8:

The new nanovest strategy worked! A little too well. Neon Purple Squadron were tragically wiped out while preventing a rash of alien abductions, including Anderson. The rookie and his new vest made it home so I promoted him and gave him a rookie squadron of his own.

Week 9:

Rookie Squadron is doing well. Faced with those spiky running Chryssalid buggers, they held their ground and saved almost half the civilian population.

Second council report. They gave us a B. Not for the mountain of dead rookies but because we let a UFO escape. What, we should have let it shoot down our only interceptor in Asia? Ridiculous.

Anyway, they’ve given us a nice bonus of cash and some scientists, which doesn’t quite cover the costs of building a new satellite nexus and yet they expect us to be grateful. Time to sell more dead bugs.

Week 10:

Rookie Squadron is dead. Maybe I should have used those alloys on armour instead of guns.

Week 11:

Some fool of a VIP almost got himself abducted. Worked out for us though – his friends on the council had us send out a rescue mission. More money!

South Africa and Australia have withdrawn from the project. With only one Skyranger, we simply don’t have the resources to save everyone. Sorry, southern hemisphere.

Week 12:

Jesus fucking Christ, those Chryssalids. Not only do their victims zombie up and join the fight against us us, if you let them “live” a few minutes then another fucking Chryssalid burts out to spread the infection. Fuck.

We lost Russia. I spent 20 days building them a satellite and they withdraw from the project within a week of it going up. Thieving bastards.

Week 13:

Our plasma weapons are all well and good but holy crap, those aliens are big. The Muton Berserker is mincing our soldiers in a single hit, even the one with the fancy carapace armour. We have no experienced troops and those damned rookies go into a tizzy and start shooting blindly if they so much as see one.

We’ve failed 6 missions in a row now. This is… this is not good.

Week 14:

“The committee of funding organisations has regrettably decided to terminate the XCOM project. Each nation shall deal with the problem as they see fit.”

Hah! Those cheap-ass idiots couldn’t even research their own laser rifle from all the weapon fragments I’ve sold them. Sod the lot of them. I’ll be in my Elerium-powered bunker down on access level 3. Good luck, chumps.

XCOM: Enemy Unknown is out today on PC, Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3.