Eek, Monsters! *run away*

I have made it no secret that games with giant muscle-bound slathering monsters scare the bejeezus out of me. Does anyone remember Alone In The Dark 3? You start off in an attic room (as far as I can recall) and wander about, investigating. After a few minutes a giant freaky dog thing bursts in through the window and mauls you to pieces. I don’t know what happens next. I never touched the game again.

Doom 3… I was fine and happy walking around a space research station. Wham, the lights go out and there are zombies everywhere. Gave me a bit of a jolt but it was cool… I had my duct-tape mod. I fought my way out of there, past the two-legged slashy claw monster thing and into a nice peaceful room with a glass wall and a computer. What happens next? A giant freaky mutant blood-covered greasy dog thing bursts into the room and mauls me to pieces, that’s what.

“No more!” I cried in my cortisol-soaked panic as I ran away to the living room to watch shiny happy re-runs of Futurama. And the game still sits there, gathering dust in my drawer.

I don’t have this problem fighting humans, you know. I have spent many fond hours wielding a flak cannon for the entertainment of the Liandri Corporation (I turned off the Skaarj models). Robots were as nothing compared to the bio-engineered might of my JC Denton in Deus Ex. I have bludgeoned many a criminal to death in Condemned. Yet as soon as you add an inhuman meaty texture, virtual opponents sent my heart rate soaring and all my blood drains into my feet.

The time has come. I will no longer let the scourge of blood-covered lumpy-faced villains get in the way of my gaming. I have finished Gears of War (on casual mode). I have finished SiN Episodes. There were a few hairy moments, but I lived to game another day. It’s time to bite the bullet and actually play Half-Life 2.

Wish me luck?

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